ROW80 – 2022 – Round 4 – Check-in 11 (December, 18th 2022)

Hi everyone! 

Note: To keep posts short, I’ve made a Trello board with my goals for the year. Feel free to check it out if you want to know more about the bigger plan.

My word for the week is STRUGGLING.

I’ve been trying to convey my feelings to my future-ex-husband but it seems he’s not getting them and gets defensive. So he ends up hurting me deeply and I just can’t risk my mental health any longer, if only to be a good mom.

I was hoping we could keep living together for a while for the girls’ sake but I can’t have the risk of him sapping me this way on a daily basis, so we need to figure out how he can move out without leaving the girls and myself in an impossible situation.

I’m hoping my parents can help, if only temporarily (though my mom would actually be better off not living alone anymore and having a sense of purpose, so I might consider something more permanent, especially if her memory stays so bad). Since I can’t yet afford to pay for the house on my own, I’m hoping she could move in instead of paying rent somewhere else.

That would also give me room to heal without being faced with solitude as the latest attacks will probably force me to postpone fostering at least a little.

Though the week has been challenging, I’m happy to report I managed the crisis as well as I could and got back on tracks somehow. Writing hasn’t been possible because I needed to focus my attention on studying for the coming exams, but I think I’ll be able to resume working on my saga before the year ends (and after next week’s exam).

But while looking at my goals here, I realized I’ve been keeping some that have been on hold for a while, which was originally to keep thinking about them and resume working on them sooner than later. Turns out they were a reminder of how busy I am professionally and emotionally. Way too busy to even consider adding any extra goals. So those goals had to go for now. They’re on my Trello board anyway, so it’s unlikely I’ll forget about them. ^^;

If I’m completely honest, I’ve been struggling with the idea of removing those goals for a while, but it feels good to see a shorter list. 😀

And finally, this weekend has been kind of a struggle too. Yesterday, the girls awoke at 7 to the sound of a truck in the street. Turned out there was a huge fire in a nearby house.

I took them with me in my bedroom and we tried some soothing activities but then the power went off for obvious reasons. I managed to get ready for work (I had charged my devices’ batteries earlier, thankfully) though my students and I had to sit in the kitchen because I couldn’t open the shutters without electricity and that’s one of the few rooms in the house where some daylight could get in.

As there was still no power (and so no heating or no way to cook) at 12, I took the girls to a restaurant, then the library. As the temperature in the house was getting lower and lower, we agreed to get into the car and drive to my mom’s one day early. But she told me her place was covered with snow and she wasn’t comfortable having us drive there till things got better (which they are supposed to later today).

Thankfully, my ex’s grandparents had heard and offered to have us (and they live about halfway to my mother’s). So we packed some basics but just as I wanted to put our things into the rental car I got the day before, there was no opening its doors besides the driver’s, and I couldn’t get it to start. Truth is, the rental company gave it to me on Friday while it was running and as they didn’t explain anything, I assumed it was just your regular car. Well, let’s just say I should have asked, as it took me an extra hour to get it running and open, with the help of a Suzuki car dealer from the next city over the phone because the rental company could not be reached and a friendly neighbor when it came to getting those doors open (still don’t know why they were fine the day before when I installed the girls’ seats but got locked later…).

Eventually, we reached my ex’s grandparents’ place and I could relax, but being here is weird and sad. They’re decent people and have been nothing but nice, yet I can’t help but think about how their grandson won’t even consider our mariage and family worth saving, which is probably the worst of it all to me.

And of course, that’s now how I had planned the weekend to go, so even though I do feel fortunate that things worked out ok for us, I mostly feel tired, and the fact that I’m having insomnia and writing this in the middle of the night sure doesn’t help.